may 26 2024
endless dissapointment
There was a part of me that wished that this summer would be different,but to my sad dismay it is the exact same as last years summer and the summer before that and so on. The thing is with having no friends is that you begin to hate summer at its core and star to resent it on a deeper level. Yeah no one likes the blistering heat, but maybe I would if I had someone to complain to about it. One of my faorite quotes about human relationships is actually from a show called Skam, and one of the main characters says on the lines of "Humans aren't meant to live alone, that's why we build communities..." or something like that and I think about it a lot. I know that human connection is important and that someday I will find people I can call "friend", though it seems an almost impossible future. How do I make friends? How do I become a more interesting person? Maybe I can start to conform, learn to live like people around. Is that the cost of happiness and friendship, learning to please others? I don't think so, but that's the only idea I have at the moment. There is a quote I read while perusing tumblr and its “be the kind of soul that others wish they could meet you a thousand times”. I got it from this post and it shifted something inside of. That for me to make friends or even just make a lasting impression is that maybe just maybe I need to work on myself first.. Start to shape myself in to the person I always admired and wanted to be by my side. By doing that I can start to be kinder, more open, more thoughtful, and especially more caring to others.
I think I spend more time with my father than any other 19 year-old will spend in their life time. So much to the point were I am listening to the same music he does, watching the same sports programs as he does, and even starting to stand like him. Trust me I love my father beyond words, but no child's only freind should be their parent.. I wish America, and society in general wasn't so indiviualistic then maybe people would be more open to talking to others. I wish I wasn't so self-isolating then maybe the thought of socializing wouldn't send shivers up my spine.
A quote I think about a lot too that I might've already mentioned is "you chose who you want to be". I got it from the iron giant animated movie disney did, but it could be from somewhere else too. Though what I like about it is that despite any external force that may lable you as "x, y, or z" like where you may live, your social class, race, gender, or where you may have once lived, in the end the person who is relfected is chosen by you. I can be all the things people say about me, but I can also choose to be someone else. I can choose to be the person I have always wanted to be that has always been inside of me.
song playing is one i have been listening to on repeat recently. (sarah- Alex G.)
home
back to logs
